being alive

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Yesterday morning I got up and went to Indoor Bootcamp, for a grueling hour of burpies, sit-ups, running and weights. I felt a certain elation amidst all the torture and grimacing at the fact that I was actually fit enough, strong enough, well enough to do this class. I blended in with the ‘well’ people, my instructor wouldn’t have known that two years ago I could barely walk to the mail box. 

When I arrived home, Ben asked me if I’d like to sit down and have a drink before we headed to the factory outlets in order to replenish my underwear supplies – which had been seriously dented from owning a sneaky puppy with a penchant for bras and undies (and partially because I use the floordrope more than the wardrope). I didn’t feel remotely tired, so I suggested we hit the road right away to begin our shopping.

After a successful trip we went home for lunch, and instead of lying down before Puppy School, as any wise CFS/POTS sufferer would, I pulled out my flute to practice. 3pm came and we hopped in the car with our Wolfgang for one of our favourite events of the week. There were less dogs in the park than there usually would be before our class, and then one of the staff came to say that there was no training today, because it was above 35 degrees Celsius. I was seriously disappointed...but my disappointment quickly turned into shock.

I had no idea it was so hot!! I knew it was a warm day, yes...but usually when it’s anywhere near 30 degrees, I’m lying in bed with the fan and a bucket, nearly crying from my bodies’ reaction. My ill body refuses to work, my legs swell up and I am like a wilted flower. 

I looked down at my feet, just to check – they weren’t pooled with blood with ugly veins bulging everywhere. I didn’t have a headache. I just had energy, and a total disbelief that it was too hot to train our dogs. All sadness that class was cancelled melted into ecstatic joy that my body was behaving like a well body! 

This is just one little example of all the delightful surprises and shocks I am getting every week. It just throws me completely.

The other night on our holiday I suggested we go to a bar or cafe. Ben was recovering from a cold, and didn’t feel too well, so we decided to stay home for that reason. But oh, the contrast that I was the one who wanted to go out, and Ben wasn’t up to it. So I lay in bed reading my book while he slept and delighted in the fact that I had energy to spare. That’s when the real healing takes place – when you have strength, and instead of using it up right away, you just relax and savour it.

I sometimes look at the couch – we brought our puppy so that I would have someone to lie with on the couch. And yet, I’ve barely spent any time on the couch in the last couple of months. My puppy spends a lot more time lying there, while I potter around. 

This is the happiest summer I have ever experienced – spending days on end with Ben who has finished his studies, and rediscovering the joy of health. Enough suppressing my hopes of recovery, they have bubbled up and refuse to be cautious any more. I actually think I’m getting well.